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Two Gentlemen of Lebowski: A Most Excellent Comedie and Tragical Romance, by Adam Bertocci
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Review
“Adam Bertocci has done a stellar job fusing the spirit of Shakespeare with The Big Lebowski. This mashup is one for the ages.” —Scott Shuffitt, cofounding Dude of LebowskiFest and coauthor of I’m a Lebowski, You’re a Lebowski“A blast to read.” —GQ“Oh my God . . . This is so good.” —The New Republic“Classic lines and scenes now become even more epic.” —USA Today“Gadzooks, methinks ’tis all as fine a way to waste an hour or so as I have come across in these four seasons.” —Entertainment Weekly“The mash-up that toke its time in coming.” —Time Out New York“Proves that Shakespearean sharp-tongued eloquence is nifty even in the 21st century, if wielded correctly. The play also proved that [The Big Lebowski] was quite Shakespearean to begin with.” —Inside New York“It's wonderful.” —Metro (UK)“Should be quite the what-have-you.” —Gothamist"Arguably one of the most inventive pieces ever created.” —Broadway World
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Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Act 1 Scene 1 THE KNAVE’s house. Enter THE KNAVE, carrying parcels, and BLANCHE and WOO. They fight. BLANCHE Whither the money, Lebowski? Faith, we are as servants to Bonnie; promised by the lady good that thou in turn were good for’t. WOO Bound in honour, we must have our bond; cursed be our tribe if we forgive thee. BLANCHE Let us soak him in the chamber-pot, so as to turn his head. WOO Aye, and see what vapourises; then he will see what is foul. They insert his head into the chamber-pot. BLANCHE What dreadful noise of waters in thine ears! Thou hast cool’d thy head; think now upon drier matters. WOO Speak now on ducats else again we’ll thee duckest; whither the money, Lebowski? THE KNAVE Faith, it awaits down there someplace; prithee let me glimpse again. WOO What, thou rash egg! Thus will we drown thine exclamations. They again insert his head into the chamber-pot. BLANCHE Trifle not with the fury of two desperate men. Long has thy wife sealed a bond with Jaques Treehorn; as blood is to blood, surely thou owest to Jaques Treehorn in recompense. WOO Rise, and speak wisely, man—but hark; I see thy rug, as woven i’the Orient, A treasure from abroad. I like it not. I’ll stain it thus; to deadbeats ever thus. He stains the rug. THE KNAVE Sir, prithee nay! BLANCHE Now thou seest what happens, Lebowski, when the agreements of honourable business stand compromised. If thou wouldst treat money as water, flowing as the gentle rain from heaven, why, then thou knowest water begets water; it will be a watery grave your rug, drown’d in the weeping brook. Pray remember, Lebowski. THE KNAVE Thou err’st; no man calls me Lebowski. Hear rightly, man!—for thou hast got the wrong man. I am the Knave, man; Knave in nature as in name. BLANCHE Thy name is Lebowski. Thy wife is Bonnie. THE KNAVE Zounds, man. Look at these unworthiest hands; no gaudy gold profanes my little hand. I have no honour to contain the ring. I am a bachelor in a wilderness. Behold this place; are these the towers where one may glimpse Geoffrey, the married man? Is this a court where mistresses of common sense are hid? Not for me to hang my bugle in an invisible baldric, sir; I am loath to take a wife, or she to take me until men be made of some other mettle than earth. Hark, the lid of my chamber-pot be lifted! WOO Search his satchel! His words are a fantastical banquet to work pell-mell havoc and confusion upon his enemies. There sits eight pounds of proof within. BLANCHE Villainy! Why this confounded orb, such as men use to play at ninepins; what devilry, these holes in holy trinity? THE KNAVE Obviously thou art not a colfer. BLANCHE Then thou art a man to carry ball in his sack? Thou varlet, a plague upon your house; I return thine orb to earth. He drops the ball. Thy floor cracks in haste, sir; thou art not a man of ample foundation. Woo? WOO Speak, friend; I am but of droplets. BLANCHE Was this not a man of moneys and repute? Did not Treehorn speak of chalcedony halls, and three chests of gold, as was hard food for Midas? What think’st thou? WOO O undistinguish’d man! We are deceived; this man has put not money in his purse. THE KNAVE Weep not for grief of my own sustaining, sir. At least I am house-broken, none to break the houses of others. WOO If dog you are, in time you’ll have your day; Waste time, but Jaques Treehorn will you pay. Exeunt severally. *** 13 rash egg: impolitically bold child or spawn. ‘Egg’ also calls to mind ‘zero’ (as in the French l’oeuf) and hints at the thugs’ unimpressed reaction to the Knave’s dwelling. 20 deadbeat: a person who evades the payment of, or defaults on, a debt 33 profanes: debases, defiles, corrupts 35 Geoffrey, the married man: Elizabethan mores viewed bachelorhood with suspicion. Men were expected to be married, and often had to be to accept public office or important civic responsibilities. 37 baldric: a belt or sash worn over the shoulder 39 lid of my chamber-pot: a lid is customarily placed upon the pot to contain odours. Leaving it off indicates the Knave’s incivility and lack of a wife. 43 confounded: perplexed. Blanche means ‘confounding,’ though that is not the issue here. 43 orb: sphere 44 ninepins: the sport of kings. Variants and alternate names include loggats, kayles, and skittles. Shakespeare frequently referred to the sport: in The Taming of the Shrew, it is a metaphor for Petruchio’s courtship of Katherine; in Coriolanus, Menenius compares his overcommitted loyalty to the title character to a poorly rolled frame; and, most famously, Hamlet’s line ‘Ay, there’s the rub’ refers to an obstacle deflecting a bowling ball from its course. 45 colfer: a player of ‘colf,’ the Dutch predecessor to the Scottish game of golf. In the sixteenth century, as the modern game filtered down from Scotland, its variants were enjoyed by commoners and royalty alike; Mary, Queen of Scots, was an avid golfer. 46 varlet: a rascal or disreputable character, from the Old French vaslet 50 of droplets: i.e., only has a little urine left. Possibly a reference to the use of the aspergillum to sprinkle holy water in religious ceremonies, as if Woo is blessing the rug. 52 chalcedony: a fine mineral, similar to quartz. Named for the Bithynian port town of Chalcedon. 57 house-broken: versed in sanitary excretory habits suitable for civilised living; in casual speech, meaning docile or peaceably mannered.
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Product details
Paperback: 224 pages
Publisher: Simon & Schuster; Original edition (October 26, 2010)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1451605811
ISBN-13: 978-1451605815
Product Dimensions:
5.5 x 0.6 x 7.5 inches
Shipping Weight: 12 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.6 out of 5 stars
53 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#330,089 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
This is a work of genius. It is not a shallow spoof, but a fully formed translation of "The Big Lebowski" into Elizabethan/Shakespearean terms -- and times.Bertocci doesn't hesitate to poke fun at literary scholarship. The left-hand pages have explanations of those things a modern reader might not be familiar with, as well as an analysis of the author's choice of words. What is particularly amusing is his "naïve" ignorance of plainly sexual references (eg, back-door mine (p128); reading Ben Jonson manually (p146); fig eaters & bareback riding (p174)).It is impossible to recommend "Two Gentlemen of Lebowski" too highly. You'll laugh your back-door mine off.
If you are into the classical writings of the masters like Shakespeare and those of his life time, this book is not for you. This book is a up to date and modern story written in the style of the time of Shakespeare. The author of this kind of book, is a genius, if he ever had the chance to meet Shakespeare, Shakespeare would be laughing with the idea the author put into this book. If you as a reader want to study Shakespeare and stay awake doing it, this is the book for you to read.
A little Dude a lot of Shakes, we bought this at a Shakespeare festival and more as gifts, everyone loves opening it and finding funny quotes, it's awesome
Bought this as a gift. Didn't read it all the way through but loved what I did read! And I love that definitions of the Shakespearean expressions are included. My friend I gave it to is a HUGE Lebowski fan and really enjoyed this!
I was delighted by the adaptation of this story into this form.
This was an excellent and fun version of your favorite movie, if it were written during Shakespearean times. I would like to see a live action show featuring this. I think it would be pretty entertaining.
This book is a seamless knitting together of many of the Bards timeless words and phrases with the oft hilarious and idiotic plot of "The Big Lebowski". Some of the most memorable lines from out of the movie work so well when translated into Elizabethan parlance that it is a wonder that Shakespeare did not, in point of fact, write the script himself. Tis a moste effective parodie if ere twas one worth the name methinks.
Sly, nerdy approach to The Great Lebowski for the discerning Jeff Bridges and Shakespeare fan.
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